AN INTRO FROM
CLARENCE ‘BIG DADDY’ CULPEPPER
Many years ago, in an attempt to avoid starvation, I wrote “The Bachelor’s Guide to Ward Off Starvation”. I had so much fun, I decided to celebrate and wrote “The Bachelor’s Guide to Libations”. The drinking was — I mean — the thinking was that if I could keep it simple for the guys, life would be so much easier. Not only that, but maybe I, too, could get the girl and live happily every after.
Boy, was I almost right. Since writing those two books, I married the trophy wife, jumped into Fatherhood, had four really neat Kids, picked up a few gray hairs, went through two family vans — all the while reading thousands of emails from the over a quarter of a million readers who believed I had the answer to male emancipation.
The question, which began bouncing around my head like a golf ball on steroids, was, “How can Fatherhood be this complicated?” Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that the Kids aren’t adorable (especially when they’re asleep); it’s just that they have brains and mouths, which means they think and talk by default. They ask questions, want to do things, have attitudes, need food for sustenance — and generally act like, you know, Kids.
I thought the wife might kinda’ organize them to a point where, if I needed to do anything with the Kids, I could just point the remote in any direction and change the programming as needed. Well, that didn’t work.
And just try to find a book on Kids, an instruction manual — ANYTHING —written in a language, which a guy can understand, especially when the guy is a Father, a Dad, a patriarch, Daddy-o, Big Daddy, and — yikes — ol’ man! I tried to read those gooey, touchy-feely publications; you know, the ones with titles like, “Get To Know Your Inner Fire Without Burning To Death”. Self-help? Self-hell, maybe.
My wife (who claims to be from Venus according to one of those books), said (maybe she ordered me, I can’t remember) — anyway, she announced that it was time for me to, once again, step up to the plate — in this case, the bone-white, regular, dinner plate. Despite my best intentions to cling to the couch, it was clear she expected me to get my act together and repeated as much in several text messages on my cel phone, which she sent prior to her daily aquasize classes at the leisure center.
As my Kids stared at me (they had read the same text message on their cel phones), I realized I had no choice. It was either: stare back through my cheap, pharmacy, reading glasses until my eyes fell out; or write my way out of a tricky situation and into a new world of Fatherhood — for all our sake.
So, here it is: “The Father’s Guide To Surviving with Kids”. It’s about what I (and a few other bro’s from the ‘hood, meaning Fatherhood) learned in the kitchen, out in the backyard and on the road. It’s about transforming cardboard boxes into castles, the zillion ways to make a grilled cheese sandwich, creative ways to have a party, the hi-tech and low-tech ways to pass the time on a rainy afternoon; it’s about crisis management and what to do when the only solution is a First Aid kit and your ability to unwrap a bandage from those stupid, little packages they come in.
Most of all, it’s about Dads and their Kids. That’s why we came up with recipes, which are easy for Dads and Kids to make together. Check out the “Top 10 Tips” on grocery shopping, having fun, travel, parties and First Aid. Whatever you do, don’t show these simple and clever secrets inside the book to your Kids’ Mother. A superhero never reveals the source of his super powers or the size of his leotards; however, do tell her (or any other Mother) to get the book for any of your ‘hood friends.
If we can conquer women with good cooking, we can survive life with Kids. There are more stay-at-home Fathers than ever before. There are more single Dads than ever before. The time has come to simplify, exemplify, and demystify life with Kids for all the members of the ‘hood.
Someone once wrote, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Well, the village turned me down when I asked them to raise my Kids, so it’s up to me. And you know what? Sometimes, it’s hard work, but there are rewards for hard work.
Good luck, men! Let me know how things turn out.
Clarence ‘Big Daddy’ Culpepper.
PS. A friend of mine told me, “Women are not from Venus and men are not from Mars. Women are from earth, and men are dirt, so get used to it.”
TABLE OF CONTENTS
EATING TOGETHER- RECIPES FOR SURVIVAL
Top 10 Tips to Grocery Shopping
Breakfast Over Easy
Top 10 Tips to Brekkie
Lunch @ Home
Top 10 Lunch Kit of Tips
Lunch @ Home Recipes
Out To Lunch
Top 10 Tips to School Lunches
School Lunch Recipes
Top 10 Tips To Dinner
About How Long To Fry The Steak
Pasta Pasta Fasta If You Please
The Potato Thing
How To Set A Table
Top 10 Tips to Snacks
The Thrill and Grill of the BBQ
Top 10 BBQ Tips
PLAYING TOGETHER – SURVIVING THE FUN
Top 10 Tips To Activities
Some Things In Life Are Free
TRAVELING TOGETHER – SURVIVING THE TRIP
Top 10 Tips To Travel
Traveling Snack Attacks
PARTYING TOGETHER – SURVIVING THE CELEBRATION
Top 10 Party Tips
Planning the B’Day Party
B’Day Party Recipes
B’Day Party Activities
Planning the Halloween Party
Halloween Party Recipes
Halloween Party Activities
FIRST AID – SAVING THE SURVIVORS
Top 10 Tips to Safety and First Aid
First Aid Kits
STAINS, SPOTS, SPILLS & LAUNDRY – SURVIVING THE MESS
Top 10 Tips to A Cleaner World
Weapons Of Mess Destruction
Laundry: sorting, detergent & additives, loading & settings
Laundry Guidelines & Sym